Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Life as of Late

Oh, where to begin? Mostly, I have a few concerns, thoughts. I really love the people I'm around: Dr. Danforth, Stacy, Michelle, and Lynn. Plus the new kids Morgan and Nicole. They are amazing people to look up to and learn from. It seems we have all evolved; we've changed. We've become more and more like the us of the future, the people we are meant to become. I hate that we won't be able to be the future us together, though.

On the other hand, there are those around me that absolutely piss me off. You can't wake up one morning and decide to be an archaeologist. Stop trampling on my turf. Also, there are those "internet friends" that annoy me. Stop being such smart ass jerk faces. They're not going to read my blog, though, so I'm just venting.

I'm really "feeling" one with my discipline. I'm talking about bioarchaeology and forensic anthropology, not anthropology. Anthropology is still a source of confusion. What is it? It's supposed to be a science. Yet, as hard as I try, it always becomes a tool to use for fighting for the things I believe. I love anthropology, though, whatever it is.

Speaking of my discipline, I have a conference presentation Friday. I'm just short of vomiting as of now. Today, I had my second run through of the presentation. The first time, I could not even finish. I did today. I don't know how to get the fear and shakiness out of my voice. I don't know how to stop my face from burning, the sweat from literally dripping, or how to control my breathing. Besides creating extreme anxiety, this project has me reeling. I'm unintentionally neglecting my classes. I have assignments due, but I also have the first paper of my career to write and deliver. This is a great opportunity for me, an undergraduate, but it is also a great responsibility. I can't disappoint my professor, my friends, or myself. I can feel a crushing pressure and my hair turning grey from stress. I can't keep missing class or forgetting my class assignments. I can't fail. Period.

There are some upsides to this paper, though. I get to spend time with the people I absolutely adore and respect. I've never been so tired (in recent memory) that I fall asleep immediately after my head hits my pillow. I've always had problems with sleeping, but this work is making me so tired I actually sleep.

This isn't an upside, but it kind of is: For some reason, this work, this stress, this strain makes me feel alive, like I have a purpose. Secretly, I don't want it to be over. What am I going to do after this? It's like an extreme high; the inevitable 'next' is a fall from the top. It'll be fine, though. I still have my senior research project to do, and tonight, I secured my project. It's going to be hellacious; but, hell, look at what I'm doing now.

The image is from a manga (a Japanese comic book) called Naruto. After posting this, I'm going to take a mental break and read the new chapters. Trust me, these chapters can be read in less than an hour, which is kind of sad. I don't know if I can afford to take a break for recreational reading; I almost feel dirty for it.

To-do-before-tomorrow list:
finish paper editing: MARK BREATHING/SLIDES
finish slide show: FIND PICS!!!
practice: BE CONFIDENT!
catch up in LIS 201, ANT 401, ANT 221, Zooarch, and Religion: totals - READING: 12 ch.s WRITING: 20 pg.s - OH DAMN!
read syllabus for each class to make sure I'm covering everything
set alarms for 7A.M.

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